Tweet
This is by far and away one of the funniest things I've ever read,
especially if you've ever had a taste of 'rural' life...hope you
enjoy!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle
charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft.
long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key,
with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp Big Wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is
my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards
and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my
head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence
charger and the “piece of ****” lawnmower were fighting over who would
control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different
times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and “BAM, BAM,
BAM” you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in
between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from
a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad
always had those "piece of ****" chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just ‘kinda tickled. This I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as
if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
and with my balls on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... pleeeeze
let me die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the
wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I
finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the
wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than
new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don’t understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow..
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before
I mow.
especially if you've ever had a taste of 'rural' life...hope you
enjoy!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle
charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft.
long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key,
with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp Big Wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is
my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards
and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my
head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence
charger and the “piece of ****” lawnmower were fighting over who would
control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different
times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and “BAM, BAM,
BAM” you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in
between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from
a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad
always had those "piece of ****" chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just ‘kinda tickled. This I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as
if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
and with my balls on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... pleeeeze
let me die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the
wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I
finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the
wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than
new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don’t understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow..
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before
I mow.
Comment